Weaning: Somebody Won't Let Go

After tossing it around and much deliberation, I made a decision to wean Maya. I was just so tired of her giving me a hard time at the end of the night and of her waking up 1-3 times a night. I felt that I had to wean or I would just die or be angry all the time. I discovered I had no idea how to wean. I tried to give her a bottle of milk hoping she would be nice and full before bed, but she tossed it to the side and screamed her head off. My girlfriend suggested taking away the easiest feeding first. So in an effort to wean Maya, I took away her 3:00pm feeding. This is the feeding immediately following her afternoon nap. That was a month ago. It turned out to be a long process.

Three weeks into it, she was still following me around the house like clockwork at 3:00pm crying and tugging on my pant leg. One day, it dawned on me that the opening of the nipple I was using could in no way feel like drinking from the breast because the flow was completely different. I decided to try it with a nipple that had a smaller opening and lo and behold, it did the trick. I waited for a week just to be sure, but she seemed fine with it. I intended to wait until Saturday to wean the next feeding just in case she fought it. I would have four full days to help her work through it. But on Friday, I came home from work to find her drinking a bottle at 6:30pm. This is the time I normally nurse her. Hmmm.

Esteban apologized and suggested I take the bottle from her and nurse her, but then I thought why? I was planning on weaning the 6pm feeding the next day anyway. So I let her finish the bottle and nursed her before bedtime at 9pm. That’s when it hit me. I was thinking about my reaction when I came home and found Maya perfectly content with her bottle and I was enraged. I am not ready to wean just yet. I thought I was, but I’m not. I was only desperate to wean because she was already 1 year old and still not sleeping through the night. I was at my wits end. Plus, I think Esteban is ready for me to wean. At work, I pump and I’ve had people ask, “You’re still nursing? Wow, that’s great.” But in my head I’m worried that what they’re really thinking is, “Still? Dang!” I wonder if other people are looking and wondering when I’m going to stop. I wouldn’t have felt as desperateif she could have just slept through the night.

Then all of a sudden at 13 months old, she did. It was right around the time I made a conscious decision to end all middle of the night feedings. She’s old enough, I thought. She gets plenty to eat throughout the day. She doesn’t need the feeding. She might possibly need to be comforted or feel close to me, but she can’t possibly need sustenance. When I got firm, things started to happen. At first she would wake once or twice. I would rock her, insert the paci and lay her back in bed. Now that she knows she can’t graze no more, she sleeps through the night and now that I’m getting a full nights sleep and I’m only doing three feedings a day, I’m don’t feel so hot and bothered by it.

I’m not so sure that I want to proceed with the next scheduled weaning. And not for her sake, because I feel that at this point it would probably be easier to wean, but more for my sake. I need that time with her. I love the way she latches on. I love the look on her face when she drifts off to sleep. Sometimes she dives in and with incredible precision I might add. And when she pulls herself off, she sits up, looks around with that drunken sailor look on her face before diving in for once last chug. I love the look on her face when she sees me getting ready for her. She lights up and smiles from ear to ear. Then she starts to kick both feet and waves both arms in excitement. It’s so cute and it’s such a special time. I am reminded that this is it. There won’t be any other babies or chances at breastfeeding. The time will fly by and I’ll look at my little girl and wonder where by baby went. I just want to enjoy it as much as I can for as long as I can. So, weaning is on hold, for now.