April Fool's Day

I was so anxious yesterday. I was almost afraid to go to work. Hearing about so many layoffs so close to home takes a toll on you and when I heard over my weekend that the firing squad was in my building, well I couldn’t help but feel as if I were facing the guillotine. As soon as I got there, I was told that the executive secretary had called for me yesterday. I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I tried to brace myself, for the worst, but how do you do that? I couldn’t shake that feeling that my time had come. I called my job-share partner and she mentioned that she had been spared, but I couldn’t allow myself to hope. I tried to throw myself into my work, but I couldn’t think. I was almost moving in slow motion, the minutes dragging by. And then, I got the phone call. I was to report to my area to see my leader.

I can’t tell you what they said for I really don’t remember. It was all a blur and from the look on her face, I knew I was in for the worst. From then on out, it took everything I had in me just to try to keep it together and even still I broke down. I should have worn my waterproof mascara. I remember thinking that. What an awful day for a layoff! April Fool’s Day. I feel like a fool. I just wanted to run out of there as quickly as possible, but they kept asking questions. Are you ok? Can I call anyone for you? Can I get you a drink of water? Are you sure you’re ok to drive?

Now, after seventeen years of service, I find myself unemployed. What I’d been fearing for months materialized right before my very eyes. I shed whatever tears I was going to shed on the way home from work. I tried listening to my audio book to distract myself, but it didn’t matter. The tears just came automatically.

I feel the need to count my blessings. Considering the circumstances, I am still much better off than others. I was not the major bread winner. Thank God. That would have been worse. I was only part time. Thank God. If I were full time, that would have been worse. The benefits were not under my name. Thank God. That would have been worse. And I actually have a little bit of money saved up. Thank God. I’m sure there are those who don’t have anything to fall back on. I get to stay home with the kids for a little while. I always wanted to be a stay at home mom. Now I’ll have time for some reflection. Time to … I have no idea.